This article has been adapted from a virtual event presented by our Family Services team. Members of our Young Scholars program have access to a recording of this virtual event in full on the members-only Davidson Member Community (DMC) platform.
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Originally, this conversation focused on how to get your gifted kid to meet your expectations. Why is it so hard to get your kid to just do the thing? Over time and with input from Young Scholar families, the conversation morphed into something deeper. When talking about expectations, it’s helpful to take a step back and ask why we have those expectations and if they align with personal and family values.
Common Gifted Myths
Commonly, families come into our program believing several common myths about giftedness. Let’s explore some common gifted myths and bust them using a whole-child, whole family approach:
| Common Gifted Myth | Often Lived Experience |
|---|---|
| All gifted individuals are high achieving and do well in school. This comes naturally to them. And, if you aren’t achieving right now and having an easy time in school, then you aren’t really gifted. | Giftedness can express itself in many ways, only some of which are recognized by traditional schooling systems. Guided by Dr. James Delisle’s work, no one wants to underachieve. We all want to reach our potential. Achievement under any specific system is not synonymous with being gifted. |
| Gifted individuals understand expectations/directions/how to do something implicitly. They don’t need as much help, explanation, or support as other people. (“If you’re so smart…”) | Even a gifted child is still a child. As Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well when they can.” All children need support, explanations, and guidance as they age. |
| The world is set up for neurotypical people; this makes it hard for people on one end of the spectrum to navigate the world. But, since gifted people are on the other end of the spectrum, they should be able to navigate everything easily. | The world is indeed set up for neurotypical people, that’s not a myth. But anyone with brain-based differences isn’t neurotypical. Gifted people often struggle to navigate a world that wasn’t built with them in mind. |
| Everyone is “gifted.” And, if everyone is gifted, then you don’t need anything special or different. | Giftedness is a brain-based difference. This doesn’t mean that giftedness can be based solely on test scores or IQ. It means that neuroscientific research supports the fact that gifted individuals process the world differently than neurotypical people. |
To expand on some of the ideas in the chart, when parents in our program find themselves reevaluating their expectations and asking themselves why they hold their children to these standards, they often find that those standards don’t align with their beliefs about their child. Some prominent thinkers in the gifted and neurodivergent communities have posed some ideas that we encourage parents to consider as they are rethinking their expectations for their child.
Dr. Ross Greene’s work brings us to the idea that “Kids do well if they can.” Greene emphasizes that, just like adults, children do want to do well and meet expectations. This, in combination with Dr. Marc Brackett (and others) idea that “behavior is communication,” can give families a radically different approach to relating to their children. For families, these ideas might help them to see for the first time that their child isn’t working against them on purpose, or it might help families to see that their child isn’t trying to be difficult. Dr. Devon Price introduces the idea that laziness does not exist, which exists nicely in tandem with these other ideas. When a child isn’t meeting expectations, it can be easy to jump to the conclusion that they just don’t want to obey. But these professionals invite us to think about the deeper needs that children are trying to communicate. When families are considering the expectations that they hold for their children, we often introduce ideas from these thinkers because they get to the root of parents’ beliefs about their children. Parents believe that their children are capable and that the world is their oyster if they are given the right tools and opportunities. If parents start with those beliefs, then how does that change their expectations?
When families are thinking about expectations, they are exercising curiosity. That same curiosity is the next step. Gathering information about, for example, your child’s disengagement in school can take many forms. Conversations, texts, and even jokes might tell you something about what’s at the deeper root.
So, when a profoundly gifted (PG) child isn’t meeting expectations, what kinds of things could be getting in the way?
What follows is a series of questions to think through with your family. Alongside each question, it makes sense to give a bit of explanation of what might be going on for the child in each of these scenarios:
- Does the PG child know that this is an expectation? Many PG children benefit from previewing, which is exactly what it sounds like: Giving someone a preview of what they are expected to do and clearly communicating can help to set everyone up for success.
- Does the PG child understand the expectation? Some profoundly gifted people take things literally and/or overthink things that may seem simple. Common directions, like “put away the laundry,” can easily get misconstrued.
- Can the PG child identify the steps that they need to take to fulfill the expectation? As mentioned in the last point, things that may seem simple to most people actually aren’t simple tasks. Some PG individuals struggle with executive functioning skills, which includes working memory and planning skills. That makes it difficult to follow multi-step processes.
- Does the PG child understand why they are fulfilling this expectation? Many profoundly gifted people are whole-to-part learners rather than part-to-whole learners. While many neurotypical learners need small steps to guide them to understanding the larger concept (part-to-whole), whole-to-part learners tend to understand overarching concepts before their brains can hook into the minutiae and nuance of a subject. This means that they need to see the full picture to understand the “why” behind the expectation.
- Does the PG child buy-in to this expectation? Many profoundly gifted people have a highly developed sense of right and wrong, and they may have their own moral framework for understanding the world. It might cause challenges if a PG child thinks an expectation is not fair, not valuable, or uninteresting.
- Is this expectation developmentally appropriate? Many profoundly gifted people experience developmental asynchronies. It may seem like you are parenting the most grown-up seven-year-old in the world, but at the end of the day they are still seven years old.
- Is there a skill lacking? Profoundly gifted or not, when someone is not given the proper instruction, scaffolding, encouragement, and time then they cannot properly develop their skills. Punishment is not the same thing as skill building.
- Could the PG child be successful if this was done differently? Modifications and accommodations are a neutral part of life. Sometimes, modifications are temporary, like scaffolding a task to be age appropriate. Other times, accommodations are things that people use throughout their lives to different extents to help us be successful. Many people, for example, wear different kinds of glasses for different reasons as they age.
Above are just a few general questions to get families thinking about what could be getting in the way of their children meeting expectations. All those questions are presuming competence, which is a hallmark of a strengths-based approach.
Strengths-Based Approach
Taking a strengths-based approach means that you are choosing to focus on and highlight someone’s strengths. This doesn’t mean ignoring their challenges. In fact, by building up a child’s self-esteem through a strengths-based approach, they may be more willing to approach and work through challenges. When people can approach and work through challenge constructively, this is generally referred to as having a growth mindset. In contrast, many parents and educators have been taught, explicitly or implicitly, to take a deficit-based approach. That means focusing on someone’s deficits in order to mitigate them. While the intentions of this approach may be positive, many people feel that focusing on their deficits is dehumanizing, undignified, and like they have no autonomy in the process. Focusing on someone’s deficits all the time does not build up their self-esteem, self-worth, and self-advocacy skills in the same way.
If you find that there is an expectation that is not serving your family meaningfully, consider setting it aside for the moment. Amanda Diekman’s book Low Demand Parenting discusses this more. Setting aside an expectation doesn’t mean that you are “giving in” or that you have to let go forever. It does mean that for the moment, you are choosing to prioritize your relationship to your child and your family values. Profoundly gifted children are often excellent negotiators and loophole finders, so oftentimes imposing arbitrary rules simply won’t work. Additionally, many profoundly gifted children do not respond to justifications like “because I said so” or “because I am the adult.” More often, they respond positively to being given autonomy and having their own reasons for buying-in acknowledged and validated.
It’s important to note here that any of those reflection questions, though they are phrased to help you reflect on your relationship with your child, can also be used to help you reflect on your relationship with yourself as a parent. Many of the parents struggle under the weight of expectations from social media, extended family, a school system that isn’t designed for PG kids, complex healthcare and childcare systems that are fracturing before our eyes, and more. It can be really easy to get lost in the weeds of everyone else’s “should-ing.”
So, what helps? What is the magic wand that fixes everyone’s expectations of themselves and others?
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. I think we’d all wave it furiously if there was one. In reality, one of the things that helps parents and children to manage expectations of themselves and others is keeping relationships strong. Prioritizing connections and building a strong base of communication with your child can be like a lighthouse, strong and stable no matter the circumstances.
When you and your child have a strong relationship, that doesn’t mean that no problems will ever arise. Instead, when problems arise, you and your child can take a collaborative approach to problem solving together. In addition, each of you can begin to seek others to be sources of support. For you, that could be other parents, friends, or family members, and, for your child, that could be people like their teachers, coaches, and trusted peers.
Another thing that can help manage expectations within your home is modeling. Modeling in general can help children learn a variety of skills. To get more specific, modeling aloud for your student can help them to build up their self-talk in a positive way. This could be as simple as, “I noticed that it’s 9 o clock, which means it’s time to start our nightly routine. I’m going to go turn on the kettle to warm before we clean the living room together.” This helps to outwardly model transitioning between tasks. Or something like, “Sweetie, can you try to remind me to write a list before we go to the store next time? I need our trip to be quick after work so that I have energy to cook dinner,” can help your child to begin building up their own repertoire. Modeling the ways that you need support can help your child to learn to ask for support without feeling shame.
In addition, modeling self-compassion can aid your child in building a sense of self compassion in themselves. Many profoundly gifted people are taught to “mask” and appear neurotypical from an early age. This can include ignoring signs from their bodies and brains that are telling them things. Modeling self-compassion can sound like, “I had a hard day at work today, and I know I did my best. I’m going to make myself a cup of tea, and take a moment to rest.” Or, “It makes sense that I am upset. That did not go how I thought it would go. I should try to remember this next time, so I can make a different plan.” This can help children to develop a self-talk that isn’t overly critical of themselves or others around them.
Another component of maintaining a strong relationship with your child is effective communication. Understanding your child’s communication style and meeting them where they are can sometimes be challenging. To learn more about that, check out our article, “Communication in the Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Family.”
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