Why Highly Intelligent Children May Struggle with the Opinions of Others

Highly intelligent children usually think more abstractly than their peers, making it harder for them to connect with others with different abilities, experiences, or interests. This may lead to negative feelings, like frustration, or result in them self-isolating. Such attitudes and behaviors can lead to others thinking highly intelligent and gifted people do not care about the opinions of others. But it’s important to come from a place of empathy. Ask, “What’s really making them upset here?”

In this blog, we’ll explore the reasons highly intelligent children may struggle with others’ opinions. Additionally, we’ll discuss some tools parents and educators can use to understand them and support their holistic growth.

Traits That Affect How Gifted Children Respond to Others’ Opinions

Highly intelligent children are very sensitive to the opinions and emotions of others, making them more prone to feeling misunderstood or overwhelmed in social settings. Along with heightened sensitivity, there are a few factors that play a part in gifted individuals struggling with others’ opinions: 

• Perfectionism and internalized pressure: These children set exceptionally high standards and place a lot of pressure on themselves to meet those standards. When others’ opinions fall short of their own expectations or when they encounter criticism, it can be especially frustrating.
• Competitiveness: With a strong drive to succeed, highly intelligent children can become competitive. They might interpret their peers’ achievements or opinions as challenging their self-worth.
• Anxiety: Because social settings can be a challenge, these individuals may overthink others’ opinions and become overly concerned with how they’re perceived. Anxiety tends to amplify their reactions, making them more likely to get upset when others’ views don’t align.

Understanding these traits will help you identify why the highly intelligent child in your life may struggle with others’ opinions. By recognizing the impact of perfectionism, competitiveness, and anxiety, you can better address their needs.

Helpful Resources for Parents & Educators

As a parent or an educator, you have the power to help shape children’s lives, attitudes, and behaviors. It can be more challenging if you don’t know where to start. So, if you’re living with or teaching a highly intelligent child who struggles with others’ opinions, we can share some methods to help. They fall under these themes:

• Engaging in Supportive Communication
• Encouraging Open-Mindedness
• Helping the Gifted Individual Build Resilience

All of these play a role in helping the child understand and respect others’ perspectives, build meaningful connections, and support their emotional well-being. 

Tips for Having Supportive Conversations

Surely you remember: It’s hard being a kid. And it’s even more difficult being a kid who feels like they aren’t good enough or understood by those around them. That’s why it’s important to create a safe space. These tips ensure you have supportive and empathetic conversations:

• Acknowledge their feelings and validate them. Gifted kids often feel deeply, so it can help their emotional state a lot by recognizing that their frustration or hurt is real. You might say, “I can see you’re upset, and it makes sense why you feel that way.”
• Encourage open dialogue. Let them know it’s safe to express how they feel, whether or not they disagree with you and no matter how complex their thoughts are.
• Help them build a strong sense of self. As we’ve discussed, self-confidence can be tricky for highly intelligent children. Remind them that their worth doesn’t depend on what others think.

Once you’ve established trust with the highly intelligent child in your life by building a supportive environment, the rest of these strategies will be easier to accomplish.

Strategies for Practicing Open-Mindedness

Highly intelligent children have an innate curiosity and a passion for learning, so it’s no surprise that they possess a level of open-mindedness already. However, it is a good skill to practice if you notice they’re struggling with the opinions of others. Here are a few techniques you can practice:

• Present multiple ways to solve the same problem, especially in subjects like math or science.
• Host debates on age-appropriate topics (e.g., historical controversies), so they can explore both sides of an issue, even those they may initially disagree with.
• Normalize constructive feedback as a helpful tool and a necessary part of learning. For educators reviewing work, frame it as “How can we improve?” rather than focusing on what may be wrong. For parents, you can engage in role-playing scenarios, where the child practices responding to negative opinions.
• Celebrate when they show openness to new ideas, learn from others, and/or adapt based on feedback. Positive reinforcement can motivate them to continue practicing this skill.

These tactics will help the child appreciate diverse perspectives and approaches and how to give and receive constructive feedback.

Ways to Increase Their Resilience

We want to encourage a growth mindset, and finding ways to boost someone’s resilience is a great way to get there. As mentioned, highly intelligent children tend to struggle with opinions perceived as negative because of their own self-esteem. That’s why we should incorporate the following strategies to reinforce self-worth and adaptability:

• Reinforce the value of effort and the process of learning to help them focus less on achieving perfect outcomes.
• Encourage them to focus on their personal journey and strengths versus getting caught up in competition or comparing themselves to others.
• Work with the child to set realistic, achievable goals that are appropriately challenging. Try the SMART Goals method (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely).
• Model resilience in your own moments of setback to show them how you handle it and move forward.

Hear Directly from Highly Intelligent Individuals

A few students from the Davidson Academy shared their experiences with us:

“The Davidson Academy is welcoming. One of my first experiences with the DA was in a beginning of the year social event. At the time, I was an incoming student and I didn’t really know anyone there. But fortunately, I wasn’t alone. I sat down next to a small group of new students. I didn’t realize that these people would end up becoming some of my best friends years later. One of the great things about the DA is that most people have a similar story. Many people come to the school with stories of feeling excluded at previous schools, but at the Academy, everyone finds a home. It is easy to build friendships here.” – Vivek Y.

“When I first came to the Academy, one of my biggest concerns was making new friends . . . On my first day, I realized that everyone was very friendly, witty, and overall lots of fun to hang around with. Stereotypically, it may seem that the intelligence level would hinder the social environment; however, at the Academy it just makes the social conversation more interesting and fun.” – Amanda B.

“The social environment here is very warm and accepting of different people and viewpoints, and it’s collaborative instead of competitive. If a friend asks me how I did on an assignment, it’s not because they want to know if they did better than me; it’s because they care about my academic growth and want me to succeed. In short, my experience here at Davidson has been amazing, and some of the memories I’ve made here are priceless. If you have the opportunity to attend, I would highly recommend doing so; I wouldn’t trade this experience for the entire world.” – Nathan M.

“The community at the Davidson Academy is truly incomparable, and I definitely wish I would have known before I started just how welcoming everyone would be. I made lots of friends easily, and I was happy to find that everyone was very accepting and friendly. You may think that we’re all ‘nerds’ here; while it’s certainly true that we value academics, there is so much more to us than that! Many students pursue a variety of extracurricular activities, from sports teams to orchestras to speech and debate.” – Rhiannon M.

In Conclusion

Highly intelligent children don’t inherently struggle with others’ opinions. Rather, it’s a combination of their heightened sensitivity, internal perceptions, and their lack of coping skills. Fortunately, these are all things they can work on with a little help! 

It’s also helpful to give these individuals an outlet, such as in enrichment programs, and to make sure they’re in an academic setting with like-minded peers. Check out this blog to learn more about alternative schools for gifted children.