In this article, Samuel Kohlenberg, LPC, discusses his observations and experiences with profoundly gifted students and young adults. Here are a few things he would like to tell them (as well as the people in their lives). Reprinted with permission from the author.
Being smart is really hard.
There may be people with high IQs who have an easy time in life; relationships are simple, work and school are a breeze, and they long ago addressed the existentialist questions that some of us might carry with us until the very end. I wish them well, and what follows is not about them.
In my practice, I have been able to observe and experience how the world treats young adults with superior intelligence. At times it can be pretty heartbreaking, and these are a few things that I wish I could tell all gifted young adults (as well as the people in their lives).
You’re not allowed to talk about it.
This is the message that brilliant people receive from the world. Because much of the world sees intelligence as a good thing, talking about it seems braggadocios, which is incredibly problematic. People with high IQs are outliers, and outliers are often a more difficult fit in many respects because the world is not made for them. You are different enough for it to be potentially problematic, but you are not allowed to acknowledge how you are different because to do so would be self-aggrandizing. Be more like everyone else, but don’t you dare address how you are different. Bright people who have internalized this message may go far out of their way not to talk about a fundamental difference that often contributes to difficulties in a number of areas.
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- Learning how and when to acknowledge your own intelligence instead of sidestepping the subject can be incredibly important, and sometimes this means learning how to talk about it tactfully. One of my favorite quotes happens to be on tact:
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
- -Winston S. Churchill [attributed but disputed]. Learning to talk about how you are different without turning people off may mean that your needs actually start getting met…
Trying is a skill.
If you’re so smart, why aren’t work and school easy all of the time? If you have had a lifetime of being able to intuit your way through school or work, it also means that you have a lifetime of not cultivating the skill of trying. Some gifted teens and adults get to high school, college, or sometimes the workplace, and all of a sudden a completely undeveloped skill set relating to trying is required of them, and nobody is telling them that that is what is going on.
So how do you learn how to try? I recommend finding something that is low-stakes (meaning that it is not going to affect your grades or your work life) and that does not come to you easily. For many, such activities may include learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, martial arts, team sports, or visual arts. Now that you have found something to try at, commit a significant portion of your week to it. Cultivating a new skill takes time, and the skill of trying is no different.
People can’t tell how sensitive you are.
A common trait amongst the gifted is that the outward expression of emotional states can be more subtle than in the rest of the population. You can be feeling things very deeply without anyone knowing, and that can be a painful and isolating experience. I wish that I could tell every gifted person that people are not missing you intentionally, and you are not alone. This tendency is relatively common, but very rarely talked about.
One way to attack this potentially painful dynamic is to tell people what you are feeling. You might be surprised at how effective verbally disclosing your emotional state can be. Habitually saying things like “I know that I don’t always show it, but I’m super happy right now” can be a total game-changer in some cases.
Existential crises happen a lot earlier, bigger, and more often.
For many gifted people, looking at a lamppost is a different experience than it is for the rest of the world. They do not just see a lamppost. They see an imagined history of how the materials that comprise the post were sourced, manufactured, and installed. They see the way that the lamp is connected to a power grid like a cell in a greater organism of a city and how they fit into that system. Imagine then, for a moment, what it must be like for such a person to turn their attention to their existence and what it means to be human.
The world is ready for angsty teenagers. The brooding 15 –year-old is a cinematic trope for a reason. People are less prepared for 6-year-olds in the midst of an existential crisis befitting a 40-year-old. Not only does it not fit the script, but it may be contributing to depression for decades to come.
Finding meaning is important. I recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Thoughtfully explore how you make meaning in the realms of interpersonal relationships, how you spend your time, and what you enjoy doing/feel called to do.
The rest of the world isn’t going to change.
Learning to do well with people or with organizations (school, work, etc.) that are a less than optimal fit can be amazingly important, and you may as well figure out how to do this sooner rather than later. This idea comes up a lot when I talk to people about they way they fit in (or don’t…) at work or school. While finding optimal fit can be very important, learning how to work well with people who are different from you can be important too. For many people whose minds make them statistical outliers, learning to do this early in life has the potential to save a lot of discomfort.
To this end, there have been times that I have literally told someone that the most important thing that they might learn in high school may involve finding a healthy way to deal with people who have more power than them, but less intelligence.
Stop trying to do things their way.
One of the most agonizing things that I get to witness is the conflation of means with ends. Well-intentioned bosses, teachers, family members, and friends are often generous with advice when you have difficulty. The unfortunate reality is that following their advice does not guarantee that you will be able to overcome the obstacle before you.
I am sorry to say that there does not seem to be a one-size-fits-all answer. I have noticed a trend, however, that many of the gifted people that I work with have an easier time when they are able to learn things as a system and not as a series of steps or isolated facts. In other words, understanding how things fit together as a system is often a more helpful goal than memorizing a list.
If you’re interested in finding like-minded peers for your gifted child, Davidson Institute programs like Explore, Young Scholars, and our residential summer camps are a great way to make connections. Learn more about our programs and scholarships.
Permission Statement
This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted young people 18 and under. To learn more about the Davidson Institute’s programs, please visit www.DavidsonGifted.org.
Disclaimer: The appearance of any information in the Davidson Institute’s Resource Library does not imply an endorsement by, or any affiliation with, the Davidson Institute. All information presented is for informational and archival purposes only. The Davidson Institute bears no responsibility for the content of republished material. Please note the date, author, and publisher information available if you wish to make further inquiries about any republished materials in our Resource Library.
Comments
Mark Martin
M.C.B.
MDENT
Amara owens
W.J. van Soest(Pim)
Mike
CGB
The problem with that assessment is that the two sentences don't correlate. If you put Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, and Enrico Fermi in a room together, you might be hard pressed to discover who was the smartest in the room. But if you took any one of those three men and put them in a room with people of average intelligence, there likely would be an average person who knew something Albert Einstein didn't. But that wouldn't change the fact that Einstein was the smartest person in the room.
Zein..
Peter
josef
Tulio Takemae
I loved this article and I'll try my best to be practical and objective here. I found myself as a high IQ person around my 26 years old, when I applied to two different tests in the same year. One score 146 points, and the other scored 147, and I finally understood why I felt so different from others.
It is absolutely normal to feel different from others, everybody feels this way, and that's right, but my "different" was really on a whole new level.
You know, to learn things I'm curious about is absolutely fast, I can become a PhD in a matter of a few days, but when I'm not interested there is nothing in this world that makes me learn that given subject, I'm absolutely practical with my learning focus.
It would be great to share with you all every detail of my experience, but I'm going to share just one thing I did not see commented here yet. I feel the dumbest person in the whole world almost everyday in my work, because it is really very hard to understand why people work the way they do, why the companies and all it's processes, technologies and people are so damn complicated and nonsense, while all of that could be so much simpler and easier, more than 70% of all that complication should not even exist, they are almost all the time trying to find ways to solve problems that were created by the complexities they created in the first place. It is absolutely nonsense, and I find really very hard to understand, I tend to just keep quiet while they waste their time in endless meetings that complicate things even more, and they expect me to make a move, but I don't even understand what they are trying to do, nor even why they do things the way they do. And I feel and know through experience that if I open my mouth to tell everything I think about it, my words will just sound like nonsense to them because they don't see not even closer to the way I see things. So frustrating to live this way, almost agonizing.
Mercedes Bouter
Berta Wilson
creative thinkers who are not part of the herd mentality. Another possibility is starting your own company, or even freelancing as an advisor. You know your talents. Think of ways to free yourself.
I'm telling you this as a 77 year old who wishes someone had advised me to not care so much about fitting in, and to find a path that fulfills my needs. That is not easy, but neither is pretending we are something we are not. You can be yourself and probably have a happier life than the one you have now.
That does not mean being arrogant, or acting superior. It means living your truth. That's not easy or pain free, but neither is the path you are on now. Life is just hard and complicated. Accepting that up front will help you move on to a more soul fulfilling life.
I wish you all good things.
mao rodriguez
by the way “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”) : very amusing, funny .
Belle
Ann
one youngin amongst many
Those who shine brightest often burn fastest.
Chilet
P.s Everyone I know feels imposter syndrome at some point. Just do what you can
Peter
kinda smart bruh
I 100% don't judge and am okay people are on different paths. They might not be ready/believe it's possible/be completely honest with themselves to change their thought processes/how they approach learning. Also embracing failure. If something just works, you don't learn much. But you learn a lot from honestly trying to understand why something didn't work.
--Keep in mind, a high IQ is essentially a personality trait and not being borne with a more powerful brain. Like practicing a sport in your free time, instead of the minimum amount to get by. It's being open to new experiences, willing to change how you think, never settling, and always feeling a need to keep learning/changing. You're motivated to learn random skills/science for fun and get better at learning.
Less nice is: Feeling a little sad soon after you solve a complex problem. I don't feel any pride in it. Everyone tries their best, even if they can't just openly listen because of preconceived ideas. I completely lose interest when putting the info into stupidly specific formatting and unnecessary parts. I'm not driven by winning, but by enjoying the challenge while I try to understand.
ProfoundlyGiftedPeggy
dracke
come prepared for boredom. I. e. Have at the ready at list if words to memorize for a language course. Read philosophical books and argue for and against positions in your head. Look at the people around you and see if you can figure out their state of mind, imagine what their lives are likes.
Compose a song in your head (Beethoven did), write a novel in your head. Replay that movie in your head you saw recently and see how many things you can find that do not make sense. Or see if you can recall the jokes, figure out what makes them funny to others and come uo with a few similar ones. You may even replay yesterday and see what opportunities were missed for jokes,.
and so in, really with let your run wild (may need practice) and instead of being bored you'll find there're not enough hours in the day to think all the things you want to think.
kinda smart bro
I listen to the first few sentences and zone out until they get to the conclusion. Also listen if tone of voice changes and it feels like an important thing.
Most people in this type of meeting are just talking to look productive and not listening. Nothing will be decided.
I wish it didn't feel so soul crushingly stupid. Presenteeism is real. Most middle managers are useless and rank people based on how busy they look, not accomplishing things/productivity.
Elizabeth Sterrett
CGB
From my own experience, I was the typical nerd, i. e. good grades, but lousy at sports (except for swimming, that I was good at). Since just about all of my peers were competent athletes, I was considered broken for being inept in gym class, while living in a society that practically worships sports.
I'm also a polymathic problem solver, and sometimes I would find ways to complete an assignment that was faster and more efficient than the teacher's. This frustrated my classmates, who only understood the "normal" way to solve problems. One guy got so frustrated with me that he said I should seriously consider suicide. That's ironic. I could solve problems faster than he could, but because I didn't do it the "normal" way, I was a freak who should remove himself from the gene pool.
Nichol
Love all the little stories here, I can relate a bit to each one... I feel old and probably am at almost 50, but autism brings with it child like qualities. So what is young? All I know is that I'd be happy if all the mouth breather died suddenly and all that was left were people on the spectrum-what a party that would be.
Charlene
I've been avoiding, ignoring and downplaying my intelligence because nobody told me any of these things, nor provided any guidance around navigating the world as an intelligent woman. Finally (at 55) I'm acknowledging it, learning to understand it, and figuring out where to go from here.
Wish there was a place for us to connect with others. Unfortunately, academia was stifling for me.
Please reach out if you would like to connect. deeperintelligence.ca
Biggest blessings to everyone on their intelligence journey!
Charlene
Nadiya
Louise
B Lee
When I was in eighth grade we took something called the Iowa tests. There was a part where you folded boxes in your mind and chose the shape it would become. There were also things like the ropes and pullies. Fitting pipes parts together in your mind, etc. I breezed through it thinking everybody would have fun with it.
After the person scored our tests he went up to my teacher and showed her one of the tests. Turns out it was mine. I had scored 100% on that visualization portion of the test, and high in other parts. Then my teacher quietly told me it was one of the highest scoring tests she had seen. I honestly didn't know the importance of that.
It took a long time for me to catch on. Kids, and even adults don't always sense their high intelligence. A person can go their whole life and not know.
One thing I have discovered is that people have relied on me to figure things out, but they are upset if I tell them I am considered a highly sensitive, gifted adult. That can be very frustrating.
Dan Cleary
I'm the world's most over qualified under achiever. I ask people who challenge me to a debate to pick their best topic, whatever they know most about in this world, and I will teach them about it.
I had a job at 13 where I was the boss of all field workers at a nursery. I hired and fired people at my discretion solely. I worked 80 hour weeks in the Great Canadian Oil Patch for 6 years. I have degrees. I have every license you can think of.
Point at someone, 2 days from then I guarantee they will tell you I am their best friend. No matter the social situation, I'm always able to work it seamlessly. Well, aside from 1...
I have never been in a fight in my life, yet never run from one either. Everyone likes me, my best friends are all people who wanted to fight me initially but I did me, and we're now lifelong friends.
I am unemployed and have no motivation or desire to find employment. I cannot maintain a romantic relationship for longer than a year or 2. I am miserable.
I'm just killing time til the end.
James Perly
Barry
I must admit it took me a very long time to understand that my peers didn't see the world the way I did, in the sense that things that seemed immediately obvious to me were often beyond them, even after considerable deliberation. Yet when it came to social interaction, it was the opposite. I didn't understand why, for example, it was considered 'fun' to make other people mad (I certainly understood later and more than made up for lost time).
It's also true that I gave up trying when it came to studies or tasks because I was able to meet what I felt were very low standards without trying at all.
Navigating interpersonal relations has often been hell for me. I have some long-time friends who are ferociously loyal to me but I draw a lot of hatred from other people. I am more skilled - or more practiced - than I used to be, but anxiety and depression have dominated my life.
Thanks for offering some advice.
Jess
CJ
B Lee
Or they may be very sincere and respectful, but not fully able to understand some finer points. Those people are easier to work with. You can ask somebody to suggest learning material to them. That way you avoid becoming the go to person for their learning.
If you have the standing in your work environment, you can suggest that a less important idea be revisited in a later meeting. Of course with respect to the hierarchy of power, not insulting somebody important. A lot of times people don't revisit things after they are set aside. So bad ideas might die a natural death. You can only hope.
If they are persistent with their ideas, maybe they can be assigned to investigate it themselves. That can stop a bad or useless idea in it's tracks. I have found very pleasant people will do their own research if it is suggested. Others who are less willing would rather have other people figure out the merits of their ideas for them in a meeting rather than figure it out themselves. And that can be supremely annoying.
The actor John Cleese made a video a very long time ago. It is entitled, "Meeting Robbers." It is helpful in arming yourself. If that isn't available any more, YouTube is a great resource. You can search for information on meeting robbers, then learn some ways to cope with them, and maybe counteract the distracting things.
L.S.
I love this discussion and relate to many of the comments! One thing I wanted to share in case anyone reads this and is struggling socially is that I've found that you can sometimes find others once you join interest-based groups which are your real and true **unrestrained** complex intellectual and performative interests. There are entire fields of similar minds - in fact the most complex, interesting and abstract fields of human endeavor were probably created by minds like yours! Why not join in and find playmates? :) Find the activities that stretch and interest you and there's no need to limit yourself to just one or two. ;)
Although I don't know if this works for exceptionally and profoundly gifted folks because of their statistical rarity (since I am probably only highly gifted), I do know that in my fields of interest - math, physics and philosophy - up to the highest IQs find a home and are highly valued. Since I can be in their communication range, I often feel protective of those with higher IQs than me, and can relate to their daily existential bafflement and sense of isolation. If not caused by an actual mental disorder, I believe that many of our social "problems" are actually due to a lack of socialization of appropriate depth, logic and complexity. So being around people as smart as you (or smarter) and who still manage to be successful and fulfilled can remedy this somewhat.
I realize now that I was probably simply lucky that I ended up in academia because it meant that I was surrounded by other minds like me and was not so isolated. I've since met extremely intelligent people who never got channeled into intellectual communities and they seem to struggle with isolation and self-confusion a lot more. Just some food for thought~! It's never too late.
Much love and care to all of you,
L. (she/her)
PBT
Maggy Seebode
Connie
Maggy Seebode
Pete
I had to have myself tested a few times. Once as a child and another time as an adult. I was hoping as an adult my “IQ” would have lowered (as I partied rather hard as a teenager and remember thinking perhaps this will eliminate a few brain cells.) I remember the psychologist being very giddy to show me my scores and my reaction was like “ugh, I know.”
I also had an in depth aptitude test which was really humiliating: The top job was “professor”
and the second job was “religious leader/clergy.” (I grew up with virtually no religion.) The job I was least suited for-Factory Worker. I became a factory worker until I finally finished my degree. Really horrible. The factory and getting my degree-never attended my graduation.
I’ve learned the whole system of dominance and being a subordinate. Teachers, Supervisors and friends like you more when they assume you’re less intelligent. I’ll never ask to be promoted at work and I’ll never go for any advanced degrees. At the end of the day…it’s pointless.
I never talk about my intelligence and will observe others around me and see when I can unleash elements of it. I have to gage it. Because, it’s risky.
I can clearly remember my existential crisis starting around 9. At 11 years old, we had to write poems for a city wide contest. I won. It was super embarrassing and traumatic. The poem and my face was printed in the news paper.
Having adults ask me about the “metaphorical imagery” was annoying or they thought I needed to be taken down a few notches. I also had to learn how to fight school yard bullies after that. “You think you’re smart huh?” I vowed to never write publicly again.
Doing research on my family-I believe there was a true genius. Hidden-but a genius never the less.
I have developed a very rich and vivid Paracosm. It’s a great coping mechanism.
Sean
George Johnson
Just read the article and identify with it. I'm a 77 year old dude who has long had difficulty finding others to communicate with. So, I get along, have done fairly well, but have just one close (intellectually compatible) friend left (other than my wife) after all these years.
I am a Vietnam veteran (tried to be patriotic), retired and totally frustrated with all political idiots in charge.
Cheers
Beth G
Kredmanee S.
robert mcintyre
CGB
The problem with that assessment is that the two sentences don't correlate. If you put Albert Einstein, Richard Feynman, and Enrico Fermi in a room together, you might be hard pressed to discover who was the smartest in the room. But if you took any one of those three men and put them in a room with people of average intelligence, there likely would be an average person who knew something Albert Einstein didn't. But that wouldn't change the fact that Einstein was the smartest person in the room.
Tired and Disgruntled
I don't know if I'm "very very smart," but you have put into words things that world denies because I'm treated either like I'm very stupid, criminal, and/or like a crazy person.
I will print this article, study it, and learn from it.
Thank you.
Barry Lee Talley |||
MG
Daniel Anthony
In my mid 2ps to late 20s I also found myself the target of incredibly selfish people whom only used me as a tool to make them incredible amounts of money... only to be told false lies and wasting years if my life making others fortunes.. not that I didnt do well myself... I just could and should be much further in my career. This aspect along with essentially being the outlier and seemingly having no one remotely capable of communicating with or understanding me at all... In reality these "gifts" I've come to feel are more like curses. but ironically, I can't be depressed or sad because I'm extremely gifted.... The inability to get some pf the most important people in your life to understand you is quite exhausting as well... but hey I can only imagine as humans continue to make strides in A.I. how it will be then... Most of pop culture is already making the gap even larger.
Mia Let
Justin R
Chiziterem
Kathy Lucas
Brendan King
I wish there was a dating app for gifted adults, that then separated the ones who made it out of childhood and are successful, and the ones like me that got eaten alive, and are now starving creative types who have to drench everything in 20 layers of sarcasm.
L.S.
kathleen Lillard
I’ve adopted over time a secondary, more folksy personality to deploy on the many occasions when I’d rather not alienate or intimidate. I sort of enjoy it some times.
Goose
Of course the more "intelligent" individual will grasp these responses and may react by being more cautious themselves with how they present to others,though there will be some who simply think""bugger it", I don't care what others think.
That's my barely above average take on it, coming from a family of a little above average IQ testing.
I have a personal take on the whole intelligence level testing and measurement that throws a lot of this into a different area,including how and why individuals whom never performed well academically at school for example.go on to be have great success in various areas. Just what is "intelligence" really?
I like to think I'm intelligent enough to know,I have no real idea. Lol
Nichol Piniak
Thanks again,
Nichol
Tom
Steve Davenport
Sometimes you can't bridge the gap, no matter how hard you try.
That being said, I absolutely adore being around super intelligent people. It's like I can jump in the deep end of the pool of intellectual bliss...
Audra
Craig Swisher
Audra
Ayumi Kiyomizu
Now I just keep to myself, in my own little world watching things as they happen and smile because the work I do will bring about change. (disruptive tech ^^) To my brothers and sisters, wear your intelligence like a badge of honor because we were born this way! Now if only we had a flag...
<3
ABCrane
Pepito Illan
Mat Delano
Alopexla
Children are lucky to have a source like this
kathleen
Frank Connell
Harry Houdini
They are not – arrogant as it sounds – smart enough to understand your thoughts (and feelings.) Or maybe they just think and feel in different ways.
I guess its better to use the word 'different' than the word 'smart'. Because most of the bad consequences (aside from the overthinking) comes from simply being so different as to not being able to relate.
I have found, though, that by taking an interest in every single person, and trying to understand who they are at core, and how they became who they are, and how existence must be for them, the most uninteresting topic can become interesting. Trying to forget oneself and ones own interest, in conversation, can be deeply rewarding.
Scalyfradge Whopster Bligett-Snoodleguffer
Reagan Grace
Dano
Dan Cleary
Science now takes a back seat to any group's personal offense of the science.
This is why math is now "racist" in California. So they removed advances mathematics classes to close the gap. This is why pi is rounded to 3 in many states. You should find out what states as their buildings and bridges will become progressively more lethal year by year. Side note, did you know that Black women have the smallest vaginal openings of any racial demographic on Earth? That's publishable, the explanation as to why is not as it is racist...
Everything I just mentioned is related and has to do with just 1 of many areas of science dealing with intelligence. Can you make the link?
James Watson did. He published some science that has subsequently been retracted and his Nobel Prize was rescinded due to his "lack of understanding in the field of genetics".
The Nobel Prize was awarded for his foundational work, along with Crick, which created the field of genetics.
Watson and Crick, the fathers of genetics and leaders of modern biology...
You see?
2+2 only equals 4 these days as long as no one is offended.
Also, side note, an infant's head is the controlling factor for female reproductive organ sizes.
This was the science published by the world leader in genetics who doesn't understand genetics. He was trying to help. Trying to remove the disparities we see in life for certain groups.
White Knights shut that help down and condemned those groups to suffer for eternity.
If you find what I just said offensive, then you're part of the problem. 2 and 2 equals 4 and always will. But today the masses are content with it equaling anything from "-0" to "dinner".
The stupid have won
Carey D Hartmann
CGB
For example, once when my family was out for a drive at night, and there were no other cars on the road, my dad stopped for a red light, and I said, "You always stop for a red light, even if there are no other cars on the road. Because if you don't, you may soon find out there's at least one other car on the road." My mother found it necessary to add, "Yeah, a Police car!" as if to imply nobody else got my point.
G Phillips
kathleen lillard
Adolescence: “ You’re like someone from a different planet.”
I wonder if others of our ‘tribe’ felt the bafflement I did throughout childhood.
Saritz
If only, if only....I still haven't figured this out, to my detriment. One day. I'm struggling to teach this to my kids and I still haven't figured it out. But I'm a step ahead for them than I was for myself. At least I'm aware of this. No one explained this to me, probably because they didn't realize. My parents were of average intelligence. I still don't know where I came from. Great post. Thanks.
Mahendra
Jiminy Kriket
Other times, you gotta stand up for yourself and say make me. Take the loss and let them bully you (required if you aren't going to bend from your most fundamental beliefs.)
I've always thought people would love to teach gifted kids. Didn't seem to be true. They told me they had me teaching the other kids, but it's like so what? That's fine, right? Helps us both.
The funny thing is... Norm MacDonald is always (unfairly) making fun of school teachers and saying they have the easiest job and they only have to be smarter than an x grader. Maybe that's some of their resentment, some people don't want to put in the extra work to deal with a child you can't stick in a corner.
But much love to everyone who took time out! Also teach kids to keep going and that eventually someone will stand up for them. Really, though, learning to just brute force through what the world calls 'bullying' is very important.
Because compromise isn't always an option, either, you make gifted kids compromise early (imo) you can give them complexes for life.
Etresia
Possible smart guy
Heather
Just diagnosedsmart
Possibly smarter gal
Miti
My mind has not changed since the age of 6
I see no limit to my intellectual hight.
Where do I find more like me?
Unix Wizard
Jack
Bonnie Marshall
Amy